"You’re in my veins, you fuck."
— Pete Doherty says that this was the best text message he got from Kate Moss. (via drapetomania)

(Source: salt-n-popperpot, via tasteslikesunlight)

Florence + The Machine - Shake It Out - YouTube

One year later, and still back to the same song. My life is a playlist on repeat. And I don’t know why it’s so damned difficult to start a new one.

Choices

Every moment is a choice to feel or be happy for me. It’s this feeling in my bones that if I don’t make the conscious decision to feel happy I would just be left with sadness that is like an overly eager understudy that can’t wait to be front and centre on the stage of my emotions. But who wants to be sad? It’s just that sometimes it just gets so hard to try anymore and I just let the despair creep in and swallow me whole.

Colour

I cannot decide whether it is better to feel or not.

When you feel, everything just comes at you with the force of what one would imagine a behemoth to possess. You feel so keenly, so finely, every bit of happiness, and yes every bit of sadness. It scares you, the intensity of emotion, how the good sucks you in leaving you breathless, grasping at straws because it may disappear any moment and that sucks. Sucks because you know the negative feelings that rise up in its place wrings your heart out leaves you with tears running down your face and even worse, the simple and exquisite pain that stabs straight into your very being. These emotions forming a spectrum of colour beyond normal comprehension and almost too painful to take or appreciate.

But despite it all, you think of the alternative. The numbness of feeling, a void where once the intense colours of your feelings ran rampant painting Pollacks and Matisses. Beautiful yet complicated things few may be able to properly discern. But there is a wondrous calmness in the void that beckons your weary heart.

But then the feeling of otherness that comes with it may be too steep a price to pay. You realise that maybe despite it all, the initial resolution to not feel is just smoke and mirrors and you love how you feel no matter how much it goddamn hurts when it’s bad because what is life without the colours?

It starts during the moments between the things you have to get done. That quiet lull which sends your thoughts into motion. It starts off a quiet hum, like the purring of a cat and builds surely into loud, jarring noise rather like that incessant construction work you hear despite the concrete walls surrounding you. Then your emotions start to revolt as well, that inevitable emergence of negativity that emerges as if from a deep chasm in the ocean, rushing up and bursting forth to the surface with startling clarity. You steady yourself, but those feelings won’t stop. Sadness, panic, despair. Most of all the sadness you thought you’ve long since locked away. You tell yourself that it’s going to be okay, that this will pass. You hug those words to yourself. Then you start doing what you have to, your next task on your to-do list of a life that has it together, that has no room for any lull. Your thoughts calm and your emotions fade. You give yourself a small brief smile. Your reflection smiles back. Everything has gone back to normal and you go back to work, filing that lapse of control away as a moment to be forgotten, to ignore. But there it is, still hidden away in your Pandora’s box (no vault) that you’ve created. Waiting patiently until you open it up again.

It starts during the moments between the things you have to get done. That quiet lull which sends your thoughts into motion. It starts off a quiet hum, like the purring of a cat and builds surely into loud, jarring noise rather like that incessant construction work you hear despite the concrete walls surrounding you. Then your emotions start to revolt as well, that inevitable emergence of negativity that emerges as if from a deep chasm in the ocean, rushing up and bursting forth to the surface with startling clarity. You steady yourself, but those feelings won’t stop. Sadness, panic, despair. Most of all the sadness you thought you’ve long since locked away. You tell yourself that it’s going to be okay, that this will pass. You hug those words to yourself. Then you start doing what you have to, your next task on your to-do list of a life that has it together, that has no room for any lull. Your thoughts calm and your emotions fade. You give yourself a small brief smile. Your reflection smiles back. Everything has gone back to normal and you go back to work, filing that lapse of control away as a moment to be forgotten, to ignore. But there it is, still hidden away in your Pandora’s box (no vault) that you’ve created. Waiting patiently until you open it up again.